The Unfortunate Twilight of Hugh Hefner

  I have said many times that I hate reality television, and that I refuse to watch it. The other night, as I was surfing channels, I came across a Girls Next Door marathon on E! Television. Now, personally, I feel that the E! Network is an instrument of evil designed to suck what little is left of the collective intelligence right out of the American public. But, as I have stated many times in the past…I can’t help but watch a good train wreck. I settled in to catch up with the present day happenings in the life of an American icon, and my personal hero since I was 11 years old, Hugh Hefner.

  Before going into what I think of the show, and the present day status of Mr. Hefner, it is important that I provide a little background on my connection with, and love of Hugh Hefner, as well as Playboy as an institution. I was first introduced to Playboy as most young boys in my generation were: they were the magazines hidden in either my Dad’s  or Grandpa’s toolbox. I remember the thrill of viewing my first Playboy at 11 years old. It wasn’t just the pictures; it was getting to look at the articles showing the fabulous life of Playboy’s founder. It was a window into an amazing world of women, cars, mansions, celebrities, and insane parties. It made me want to be a man of the world when I got older. It inspired me to start watching the clothes I wore, and to stop ignoring the girls that I had previously dismissed as “Gross” only a short time earlier. Playboy changed my life. Oh yeah…the pictures were good too. Don’t get me wrong, my uncle had a collection of Penthouse and Hustler that were more engaging and graphic, but Playboy was more than just dirty pictures, it was a way of life.

  Now, having said all that, imagine my surprise when watching The Girls Next Door. I was shocked by the old, feeble appearance of Hugh Hefner. Hef just sort of hobbled around, hoping to still appear virile and relevant. I love Hef and have nothing but respect for the man…but damn…there is something to be said for going out with a bang, as opposed to fading away. I’m not saying poor Hef needs to die in a spectacular fashion, but if he is going to fade away, he should do so privately. Hef no longer swaggers around like the main Dick-Daddy-Cock-of-the-Walk…now he totters around like a semi-senile old codger who is doting on his grand daughters. The show hints at the fact that Hef is still getting busy with these three women, but does anyone really believe that? Even one of these chicks would give him a coronary or make him throw out a hip. I don’t think Hef could even get it up anymore without splinting his schlong with Popsicle sticks and taking a truckload of Viagra. He would have to use a stunt-double just for foreplay. I’m just saying that there is a certain quiet dignity in old age. The respect you get for having survived everything that life has thrown at you. Hef is exhibiting very little dignity in his age. Don’t get me wrong, I believe you are only as young as you feel, and that one should stay young. However, there is a point when shit gets ridiculous, and that’s the territory Hef is treading in. I mean at a certain point, it’s not cool to go after younger women. It’s kind of like being the old guy in the club. If you are over 35 (and being over 30 is pushing it) you have no fucking business in a dance club…none. You don’t look cool, you look pathetic. Regardless of how young at heart you feel…you still look too old to be trying to party with college co-eds. The exception to this is if you are Leonardo DiCaprio or Johnny Depp, they can pull that shit off. But if you work second shift at the plant, and coach little league, chances are the dance club is not the place to go on guys night out. It’s the same with Hef, he kicks ass and all, but at a certain age it’s just gross to be getting down with 20 year old girls. Christ, I’m almost 40, which isn’t old, but I know that I have no business hooking up with a 20 year old. I would feel like a sexual predator hooking up with a chick that young, and what would we talk about? The new Lady Gaga album? I’m not even sure what a fucking “Lady Gaga” is…and I damn sure don’t give a fuck about hearing her music.

  This, of course, brings me to the “Girls”. Where do I start? I will say this: the three new girls actually make the three original girls look intelligent. I never thought that I would ever, ever, ever not be able to look at pretty girls that were scantily dressed. These bitches are so dumb and painful to watch that I feel no attraction to them. These bitches are dumb as a bag of hammers. Don’t get me wrong folks, I have dated some dumb bitches in my life, and there is something to be said for dating a chick that you can use the “Jedi Mind Trick” on, but this bunch is too over the top. I get embarrassed for them while watching. Part of me hopes that it’s an act to make the show entertaining, but I know that’s not the case. I can’t believe these girls haven’t accidentally killed themselves by drinking poison, drowning in the tub, or walking in front of a bus. How can anyone be this fucking stupid? I’ll bet the very existence of these bitches really pisses off all the intelligent educated women out there. Imagine you’re a woman who has worked her ass off by working full time to get through college and grad school. Then you end up waiting tables due to the job market. You come home after pulling a double, turn on the TV…and see the Girls Next Door. The Girls Next Door are making millions doing modeling and making TV deals, not because they are smart, or have worked hard, but because they took their clothes off…and can suck a marble through six feet of concrete. On a daily basis, the hardest decisions these girls are confronted with is: what color to dye their fucking poodle, or whether to spit, swallow, or gargle. I hate these chicks and I’m a guy. I can only imagine the hatred women feel for them. I also wonder how the parents of these girls handle their chosen career path. Each season, there is always one show that has parents making an appearance, and the parents always say they are proud of the girls? Really? You’re proud your daughter because she is a hooker? Cause that’s what she is. How could you be proud your daughter because she gets naked and sucks on Hef’s old, mummified johnson? What the fuck has society come to. Probably the most shocking thing is that even a low-life like me sees all this as improper. I mean, for even me to be shocked at these people and their actions speak volumes about their character.

  In the end, I guess I have to look at all the good things Playboy and Hugh Hefner have given me. I choose to remember the Hef I knew as a boy. I must forget about the present and focus on the proud past of Playboy. As a testament to the timeless ideology that is Playboy, I give you this story: My oldest son, aged 10, came into the room during an episode of E!’s True Hollywood Story that featured Hugh Hefner, and asked who Hugh Hefner was. I briefly explained and we watched the story of Hef. After the episode was over, my son looked at me and asked, “ Dad…you mean you can take pictures of girls naked, and get rich? Really? That’s the best scam ever!” This was followed by a devious laugh that shook my son’s entire body. In his eyes I saw a glimmer that had not been there previously, and at that moment I realized that Hef had inspired yet another generation of young men. God Bless you Hef.