The Unfortunate Twilight of Hugh Hefner

  I have said many times that I hate reality television, and that I refuse to watch it. The other night, as I was surfing channels, I came across a Girls Next Door marathon on E! Television. Now, personally, I feel that the E! Network is an instrument of evil designed to suck what little is left of the collective intelligence right out of the American public. But, as I have stated many times in the past…I can’t help but watch a good train wreck. I settled in to catch up with the present day happenings in the life of an American icon, and my personal hero since I was 11 years old, Hugh Hefner.

  Before going into what I think of the show, and the present day status of Mr. Hefner, it is important that I provide a little background on my connection with, and love of Hugh Hefner, as well as Playboy as an institution. I was first introduced to Playboy as most young boys in my generation were: they were the magazines hidden in either my Dad’s  or Grandpa’s toolbox. I remember the thrill of viewing my first Playboy at 11 years old. It wasn’t just the pictures; it was getting to look at the articles showing the fabulous life of Playboy’s founder. It was a window into an amazing world of women, cars, mansions, celebrities, and insane parties. It made me want to be a man of the world when I got older. It inspired me to start watching the clothes I wore, and to stop ignoring the girls that I had previously dismissed as “Gross” only a short time earlier. Playboy changed my life. Oh yeah…the pictures were good too. Don’t get me wrong, my uncle had a collection of Penthouse and Hustler that were more engaging and graphic, but Playboy was more than just dirty pictures, it was a way of life.

  Now, having said all that, imagine my surprise when watching The Girls Next Door. I was shocked by the old, feeble appearance of Hugh Hefner. Hef just sort of hobbled around, hoping to still appear virile and relevant. I love Hef and have nothing but respect for the man…but damn…there is something to be said for going out with a bang, as opposed to fading away. I’m not saying poor Hef needs to die in a spectacular fashion, but if he is going to fade away, he should do so privately. Hef no longer swaggers around like the main Dick-Daddy-Cock-of-the-Walk…now he totters around like a semi-senile old codger who is doting on his grand daughters. The show hints at the fact that Hef is still getting busy with these three women, but does anyone really believe that? Even one of these chicks would give him a coronary or make him throw out a hip. I don’t think Hef could even get it up anymore without splinting his schlong with Popsicle sticks and taking a truckload of Viagra. He would have to use a stunt-double just for foreplay. I’m just saying that there is a certain quiet dignity in old age. The respect you get for having survived everything that life has thrown at you. Hef is exhibiting very little dignity in his age. Don’t get me wrong, I believe you are only as young as you feel, and that one should stay young. However, there is a point when shit gets ridiculous, and that’s the territory Hef is treading in. I mean at a certain point, it’s not cool to go after younger women. It’s kind of like being the old guy in the club. If you are over 35 (and being over 30 is pushing it) you have no fucking business in a dance club…none. You don’t look cool, you look pathetic. Regardless of how young at heart you feel…you still look too old to be trying to party with college co-eds. The exception to this is if you are Leonardo DiCaprio or Johnny Depp, they can pull that shit off. But if you work second shift at the plant, and coach little league, chances are the dance club is not the place to go on guys night out. It’s the same with Hef, he kicks ass and all, but at a certain age it’s just gross to be getting down with 20 year old girls. Christ, I’m almost 40, which isn’t old, but I know that I have no business hooking up with a 20 year old. I would feel like a sexual predator hooking up with a chick that young, and what would we talk about? The new Lady Gaga album? I’m not even sure what a fucking “Lady Gaga” is…and I damn sure don’t give a fuck about hearing her music.

  This, of course, brings me to the “Girls”. Where do I start? I will say this: the three new girls actually make the three original girls look intelligent. I never thought that I would ever, ever, ever not be able to look at pretty girls that were scantily dressed. These bitches are so dumb and painful to watch that I feel no attraction to them. These bitches are dumb as a bag of hammers. Don’t get me wrong folks, I have dated some dumb bitches in my life, and there is something to be said for dating a chick that you can use the “Jedi Mind Trick” on, but this bunch is too over the top. I get embarrassed for them while watching. Part of me hopes that it’s an act to make the show entertaining, but I know that’s not the case. I can’t believe these girls haven’t accidentally killed themselves by drinking poison, drowning in the tub, or walking in front of a bus. How can anyone be this fucking stupid? I’ll bet the very existence of these bitches really pisses off all the intelligent educated women out there. Imagine you’re a woman who has worked her ass off by working full time to get through college and grad school. Then you end up waiting tables due to the job market. You come home after pulling a double, turn on the TV…and see the Girls Next Door. The Girls Next Door are making millions doing modeling and making TV deals, not because they are smart, or have worked hard, but because they took their clothes off…and can suck a marble through six feet of concrete. On a daily basis, the hardest decisions these girls are confronted with is: what color to dye their fucking poodle, or whether to spit, swallow, or gargle. I hate these chicks and I’m a guy. I can only imagine the hatred women feel for them. I also wonder how the parents of these girls handle their chosen career path. Each season, there is always one show that has parents making an appearance, and the parents always say they are proud of the girls? Really? You’re proud your daughter because she is a hooker? Cause that’s what she is. How could you be proud your daughter because she gets naked and sucks on Hef’s old, mummified johnson? What the fuck has society come to. Probably the most shocking thing is that even a low-life like me sees all this as improper. I mean, for even me to be shocked at these people and their actions speak volumes about their character.

  In the end, I guess I have to look at all the good things Playboy and Hugh Hefner have given me. I choose to remember the Hef I knew as a boy. I must forget about the present and focus on the proud past of Playboy. As a testament to the timeless ideology that is Playboy, I give you this story: My oldest son, aged 10, came into the room during an episode of E!’s True Hollywood Story that featured Hugh Hefner, and asked who Hugh Hefner was. I briefly explained and we watched the story of Hef. After the episode was over, my son looked at me and asked, “ Dad…you mean you can take pictures of girls naked, and get rich? Really? That’s the best scam ever!” This was followed by a devious laugh that shook my son’s entire body. In his eyes I saw a glimmer that had not been there previously, and at that moment I realized that Hef had inspired yet another generation of young men. God Bless you Hef.

Talentless Celebrities

  As I was riding in my car yesterday, scanning radio stations I came across a pop station playing some new music. It had this whining computerized sound that I recognized immediately to be the result of the artist (I use this term only to generically describe the source of the music, as there are no artists left in the music industry...which I will get into in a few) using an Auto-Tune Machine. For those of you not familiar with the device, wikipedia describes it as this: It is used to disguise off-key inaccuracies and mistakes, and has allowed singers to perform perfectly tuned vocal tracks without the need of singing in tune. Basically, even a no talent dip-shit like me sounds as if he can sing. Auto-Tune has been used excessively in recent years to give talent to the talentless...see Ashlee Simpson if you need proof. I then realized that whether its on television, movies, or in music, there seems to be a huge lack of talent...and that pisses me off.

  I remember, as a child, I gazed at celebrities in awe. They appeared untouchable and larger than life. They actually had talent. The entertainers today just simply suck. We have singers who cant sing, actors who cant act, and comedians that are about as funny as a case of the clap. Our modern culture has cheapened being a celebrity and made it common. These days any douche with a web-cam and half ass computer can become an overnight sensation on YouTube. If you are willing to sacrifice your dignity, you can become a reality television personality. All this has made being a celebrity attainable by those who have no business in front of a camera.

  When I was a kid, there were three television channels...four channels if you added a potato and clothes hanger to the mix. This meant that only the best made it to the screen. Now, with hundreds of channels, networks will take damn near anyone off the street just to fill space. The emergence of reality television has to be the worse thing to happen to the human race since the black plague. Not only does it show the worst character traits in people, it celebrates their bad behavior. Personally, I would not appear on a reality show no matter how bad I wanted to get famous. My self-respect is worth more that that (Please disregard the recent post concerning weird and embarrassing sexual moments...I really do have some self respect).

  The movies are a little better, but not much. The biggest bitch I have about movies is the lack of a decent action/adventure leading man. There are no more tough guys. Now we have Shia LaBeouf. Really? Is that all we get? I just cant buy Shia kicking any ass. Sadly, Matt Damon is the closest thing we have to macho. At least he has talent. Not much hope for movies if we don't get some decent bad-asses showing up soon.

  The worst offender of true talent is music. What the fuck is going on with music? We even have rappers using Auto-Tune, such as T-Pain. Follow me on this...rapping is basically just fucking talking. Do you really need Auto-Tune for that? And what the hell is all the fuss about Lady Ga-Ga? She is a no talent bitch that looks like an alien. And I'm not so sure she's not a chude (chick that might be a dude, for those of you not in the know), cause she looks like a pre-op tranny. The scariest thing is that one of the most popular acts in the country is Miley Cyrus. That little bitch can't act or sing, yet ironically, she has made millions doing both. I live in Nashville, and everyday I see tons of people who are more talented than these losers who are currently on the Billboard charts.. Why are all these no-talent mother fuckers so successful?

  I suppose I am becoming a bitter old man. Perhaps I just don't "get it" with entertainment these days. I had always considered myself pretty progressive, but perhaps I'm stuck in the past. If so, I'm cool with that cause at least I'm stuck in the past with great music and kick ass actors. I refuse to listen to any music recorded after 1980, and have completely stopped watching anything but news on television. And even the news makes me violently ill these days. I still roll the dice on movies, as there have been some pleasant surprises of late, such as: The Hurt Locker, Zombieland, and others. I do see a glimmer of hope in music with a few bands like: Cage the Elephant Kings of Leon, Saving Abel, and several others. As for television...fucking forget it. At least there is a sliver of potential in two of the three mediums. Oh well...I gotta run...don't want to miss today's episode of The Jersey Shore...now that's quality programming.

Sorry about yesterday

  If anyone is still reading this blog, then you noticed that I did not post yesterday. I usually do the blog the night before and then post it the next morning. I have been very busy and out-of-pocket for the last couple of days, but will make it up.

  Today's post was originally going to be about politics and the health care debate. However, I am fucking sick of it all and can't stand to write about it. I will re-visit that blog when I am less angry at politicians. Stay tunes as a new post will appear shortly. Thanks again.

Embarrassing and Unusual Sexual Moments

  I have decided that I have done enough political commentary this week and that I should address something we all have in common. No, I'm not talking about the weather, I'm talking about sex. We are all here because of it, we all have it...although some more frequently than others. So, for today's topic I decided to cover two different sexual topics: the most embarrassing moment and the most unusual moment. Now, I also challenge you to list your own embarrassing and unusual moments in the comments section of the blog. Comments are the only real way I have of knowing if anyone is reading this stuff, or if I am just wasting my time...so they are appreciated. In this case, I am curious to see how strange your own experiences are compared to my own. So here goes...

  My most embarrassing moment had to have occurred the summer before my 17th birthday. At that age, I actually thought I was a stud, although that was far from the truth. I did have a few pimp-arific tools at my disposal, however. First and foremost was my car, a 1965 Mustang, cherry red in color. Oh sure, it might have broken down every few days...but it looked good. I would use this performance machine to cruise the local college campus (people still cruised back then) and try to pick up girls. There were two reasons I targeted the college even though I was in high school : First and foremost because the girls there didn't know me, and therefore would not have heard how uncool I was; the other reason was because in my day, you had a better chance of getting freaky with the college girls. My other weapon was my room. Oh sure, I still lived with my parents, but my room was a world unto itself, not unlike a small scale version of the Playboy mansion. I had everything a ladies man needed to be successful in the late 1980's. My babe lair was equipped with a bed with blue satin sheets, a bad-ass sound system with a CD Player (almost no one had CD players yet) , a ton of neon items to include a neon telephone which gave off a subtle blue glow that both complimented and reflected the vibrant texture of the sheets. Add to this the complete love making music library containing music by Keith Sweat, Johnny Gill, Al Greene, and of course Barry White. Top all this off with my Hugh Hefner (my personal hero) silk robe and matching boxers and you had a package that was irresistible to the mortal woman...or so I thought at the time.My low success rate should have told me something was amiss. However, even the sun shines on a dog's ass at least once a day, and I actually managed to run into two ladies that wanted to come to "The Big Rob Country", as I called it. Now don't get me wrong, these two were far from perfect, but looks didn't matter, only the opportunity to fulfill every man's fantasy of having two women at the same time. When confronted with this situation, a mathematical formula must be applied. This formula is known as " Murray's Sexual Equation", which states: 2 ugly chicks together = 1 attractive chick. This equation can also be applied to group sex, as evidenced by the fact that I have never had sex with a perfect "10", but I have done five "2's" in the same night. You get the point. Anyway, I had arranged for these ladies (for want of a better term) to begin their safari in The Big Rob Country on a day when I was sure that my parents would be at work. I eagerly watched and waiting as my prey made their way into my lair, and were obviously impressed with my neon lighting and R & B collection. After a few drinks, consisting of some Mad Dog 20/20 that a hobo had bought for me in exchange for a bottle of Thunderbird, we began to get down to business. I had just masterfully gotten their clothes off, except those damn bras that they had to remove, and started to work my magic. To my surprise, over the smooth voice of Keith Sweat, I heard a car in the driveway. I looked out the window to see my Mom's car, but where was she? At that moment, while simultaneously opening my unlocked bedroom door, she asked who was visiting us. The view that awaited my mother scarred her for life...as I said, they weren't beautiful girls, but there were two of them. One of them was fat, the other skinny, so that when they stood beside one another they looked like the Number 10. One of them had bad skin, and neither was very smart. The only thing worse than getting caught with two chicks by your mom, is getting caught with two ugly chicks, by your mom. She quickly shut the door and screamed, " You had better get those two nasty bitches out of my house before I can get the gun!" With that, both girls grabbed their clothes and jumped from my window. In a flash of smoke and burning rubber, they were gone from my life. I quickly dressed, and attempted to escape myself. Choosing the silent, empty hallway as opposed to the window, a mistake I soon regretted. I had almost made it to the door, when I heard a low voice, with a tone not unlike that of Dirty Harry say, "Where the hell do you think you're going?" My mother then commenced to show me that I was not too old for an ass-kicking and beat the shit out of me, the whole time telling me that she hoped my dick rotted off. I was then thrown out of the house for two weeks. To this day, I feel embarrassed and ashamed when thinking of this. So much for my embarrassing moment.

  My most unusual moment occurred years later, after my first divorce. After the divorce I had been saddled with $ 14,000 in credit card debt on cards I didn't know existed. I was a hobbyist magician, but good enough that I knew I could make some money on the side doing parties. I interviewed, and was accepted by a local talent company that provided various types of entertainment. I could do a whole article on this place alone, but to save time I will skip the bizarre details. The company was full up on magician positions and instead talked me into doing clown work, with the twist that I become a "Magical Clown" . That was the birth of Patches the Magical Clown, and one of the lowest, most humiliating periods of my working life. Each weekend I would go out and do 2-4 kids parties a day. This sucked, but during this time I met a female clown named Bubbles, whose specialty...or Clown Super Power, if you will...was making balloon animals. We hit it off and began to flirt. One day, we decided to go out for a drink after our booking was over. Since neither of us had a change of clothes, we went as clowns. We got more than a few weird looks at the bar. We drank for a long time, and one thing led to another, and we ended up back at her place. Even though I was caught up in the moment, I was struck by how odd this experience was shaping up to be. When she went down on me, her big, red nose honked each time it hit my stomach. That wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as when she tried making balloon animals with my junk. As things progressed, the first thing I noticed was that she tasted "funny" . I then commenced to fuck her "silly". Sorry for those jokes, I couldn't resist. So anyway, I'm banging this girl in full clown gear, with her big shoes in the air and I can tell when she's about to come because the flower on her lapel starts squirting water, and her bow tie is spinning. The great thing about giving a facial to a white face clown is that it just looks like the "tears of a clown" when you are done. Afterward, as we were lying in bed, I looked over at a sight that can best be described as a child's broken dream. She sat there, smoking a cigarette with smeared make-up and a rainbow afro that was askew, with her little derby hat slightly crushed. At that moment I felt both ashamed and slightly creeped out, yet somehow strangely turned on. I then did her again...just to make sure I didn't like it. Words of wisdom: Don't fuck clowns...like midgets, it seems like a good idea until you do it. In reality, its just creepy.

  I hope that in sharing these two stories with you, you will post your own in the comments section. With my stories, I have set the bar pretty low and can't imagine how any of you could possibly have done anything worse. See you next post...

Screw Haiti

OK...Let me begin by saying that many of you will hate me for this post. I will be labeled as heartless, cold, insensitive, and probably a puppy-strangling-cock-juggler. Fortunately, I am accustomed to this since most people who know me call me these things anyway. I have tried to not comment on the earthquake and situation in Haiti, and was hoping that since it was becoming old news, I might be able to avoid the conversation all together. However, there was more Haitians whining on the news again this morning, so I said, "What the Hell? " They no longer get a pass from me.

It is tragic when things like the earthquake happen. I will not deny that. I also believe that the world should chip in and help those that are less fortunate. I am not such an asshole that I do not recognize those facts. The thing that pisses me off is that Haiti, and the rest of the world for that matter, just assumes that anytime there is a disaster...anywhere, the United States should handle everything. I'm not sure from where Haiti gets that sense of entitlement. To understand where I'm coming from, let me break it down.

When the disaster initially occurred, Haiti started bitching because the US couldn't get there quick enough. What the fuck? Really? They didn't ask why France, Germany, or any other nations had not sent help, just America. I suppose Haiti, and the whole world, just expects Americans to give up their time and money to help other countries that hate America. You don't think Haiti dislikes America? Do a little homework...and no... it wasn't Bush's fault they hate us. So Haiti got mad that we couldn't show up quick enough to do them a favor? Because, the whole social responsibility thing aside, our assisting them is still a favor. Apparently Haiti thinks that you can move the US military and their support staff within a days time. If they traveled more they would realize it takes a while to get everyone and everything there...especially an entire fucking military with food and clothing for 1 million. But the dumb-assery didn't end there. After these fuckers got aid, then they bitched because there was a disproportionate amount of Christian aid. Sorry, Haiti...believe it or not, Voodoo isn't a big religion around the world. Most of the rest of the world believes that chickens should be eaten, not slaughtered and made into good luck charms. Voodoo actually makes Scientology look like a legitimate religion. Then there was the whole complaint about, and arrest of, aid workers taking kids and trying to find them homes. Seriously, why? No one in Haiti wanted them, and I can assure you that with the exception of Angelina Jolie and Madonna, there is not a huge market in America for people wanting little Haitian kids. They bitch if we don't help them, and they bitch if we do.

What would Robert do? (WWRD?...it could catch on. I could sell bracelets and shit) I would pull out aid and let their ungrateful asses swing in the wind. Lets face it, if Haiti disappeared tomorrow, would anyone really notice? The only thing they have brought to the world is creepy ass Voodoo curses, violent street gangs with bad hair, and a stratospheric number of cases of AIDS. The earthquake got attention, but if Haiti had just silently disappeared one night, I'll bet no one would have noticed for 3 or 4 days. My solution would be to pull out aid and let them go at it. After they finished killing and eating each other we could give them a couple of weeks to mellow out...then carpet bomb the shit out of the survivors. Now I know that sounds extreme, but hang with me and it will all make sense. After you obliterate everything, you bull doze all the trash into the ocean and re-cover it with sand. Then you do a little tasteful landscaping, maybe hide speakers in the landscaping to play some pleasant music, then you are ready for the final phase. That's right...building some really great resorts. Its like urban renewal, but on a national scale. We then charge premium rates for the vacation rentals, which will allow us to recover the money spent on bombs and landscaping. Here's the best part...it becomes a US territory. That's right, I'm an imperialist. I think we should grab more land. After all, we are the only country to ever win wars and not keep the land, which is a poor financial decision, in my opinion. However, that topic is another conversation for another day.

You see, I'm not cold and heartless...just practical. If Haiti needed assistance, and was grateful, then I wouldn't feel this way. No one like an ungrateful bunch of pricks. Its like dying of thirst in the desert, and then bitching when the water you are finally given isn't Evian. The funny thing is that they probably have more food and amenities now than they have ever had. The earthquake was possibly the best thing to happen to some of the citizens in years.

Oh well, enough beating on Haiti...I'm off to strangle some puppies. have a great day!

What the Hell is Up with Young Men and Women Today?

Despite the fact that I am getting older, I try hard to stay relevant, and some would say, cool. I know that after posting this, I will come off as a grumpy old man, and for that I apologize. Its just that with every day I draw breath and walk this Earth, I comprehend less about the youth of today. The scary thing is that, at just shy of 40, I'm not even that old. It just seems that things have changed dramatically in the last ten years or so. The most alarming change in young people has occurred with the role reversal in young men and women.

The change in the young American male seems to be the most drastic. When I was a teen-ager, young men looked like young men...for the most part. Oh sure, some had crazy hair or wore unusual clothing, but for the most part they looked like guys. The young men of today all look like a bunch of fucking sissies. We now have a whole generation of frail, pasty, skinny-jeans wearing mother fuckers. Seriously...What The Fuck!?! Most every young guy dresses like a fruit (actually, the average gay guy dresses more appropriately.I think its cause they have better taste in clothing)and has the same damn unisex hair. I couldn't imagine being a young girl today and having no options for boyfriends except for these fairies. You have to go no further than your local bar to see this. The local bar is full of these mop headed fuckers with too tight clothes and flip-flops. Flip-flops, really? First of all, dudes shouldn't wear flip-flops unless they are at the beach, or in the shower at the gym. Flip-flops not only look tacky and gay,but are a poor footwear choice from a practical stand point. When i see a dude with flip-flops, I already know he's not getting in a fight that night. Can you imagine trying to fight in a pair of flip-flops? Not gonna happen. Additionally, wearing flip-flops in a public restroom is not fucking cool. The thought of having my feet splattered with strangers piss is unthinkable. Speaking of fighting, none of the guys now look like they could. Today's girls have to be tough because all the young guys look like a bunch of effeminate douche-bags. Almost all young couples I see now have a cute, in shape, young girl...and a faggy feminine dude. I would imagine if some shit went down, the dudes would hide behind their girlfriends.

This brings me to the ladies. I wish that the girls from my day, looked like the girls now. When I was a teen-ager, physically the girls looked like us, but with longer hair and make-up. Now girls at age 13 look like 25 year olds. They are also much more mature. The hardest thing for me to get in high school, besides an A+, was a blow job. Getting a blow job in high school was damn near mythical in my day. As a matter of fact, you had a better chance of getting a blow job from the Easter Bunny riding a Unicorn, than from a high school chick. And if you found a girl that would, she was usually fat..ugly, or both. Now, young girls hand out blow jobs like candy at a Christmas Parade. I am most surprised by how sexually aggressive teen-age girls are these days. It seems that now the girls chase the guys. Formerly, guys would chase the girls and be pervs, now the roles have reversed, and all the feminine, fragile sissy-boys actually appear to be scared of the girls. If I could use a time machine to transport my 17 year old self to the present day,my formerly nerdy self would now be a fucking stud in comparison to today's guys. Since most young guys had rather play video games or listen to the Jonas Brothers, than bang chicks...I could get all the play. Since time machines haven't been invented, the modern day girl is safe...for now.

To summarize, we have a new generation in which the roles have been reversed. The girls are all hard-bodied, hard-partying, self-sufficient, sexual predators, while the guys are a bunch of frail, anemic-looking, granola-eating, Birkenstock-wearing, tree-hugging, hippy fags. I say that with no intention to offend gay guys, because they are a hell of a lot tougher these days than the average straight guy. With the current state of the modern male, the best we can hope for is that the girls go for older guys, if for no reason other than to ensure the continued reproduction of our species.

Leave Tiger Alone

OK...I have tried to avoid commenting on the Tiger Woods scandal because I'm not the band-wagon type, but I can resist no longer. I know everyone in the world is down on Le Tigre (I gave Tiger a cooler name that befits his new pimp status), but I think everyone should just leave the guy alone. I am not condoning his behavior, but I do have a few good arguments as to why he should be left alone.

The first reason to stop the coverage is out of respect for his family. Put yourself in his terminally hot wife's shoes...he didn't just trade down, he traded down repeatedly. She has suffered enough embarrassment without being constantly hounded by media, not to mention the fact that his children will one day be confronted with the whole messy affair. Those are the sweet, sensitive, Little House on the Prairie reasons the media should stop. I posted these to at least look somewhat sensitive and caring for the female readers. The reasons I think Tiger should be left alone vary somewhat from this argument.

Before this scandal, I thought Tiger Woods was a great golfer, but a tremendously boring person. Now...he's my hero. He's a fucking pimp, people! Who would've guessed in that quiet, calm, little guy beat the heart of Ron Jeremy? Tiger has banged everything from supermodels and porn stars, to Denny's waitresses... you gotta love the diversity. He gives new hope to all the middle-age baseball dads and scout leaders out there (maybe not scout leaders...I'm pretty sure most of them are pedophiles who don't like chicks). If a dude that looks and acts like Tiger can bang hot young women, anyone can. OK... it helps he's a billionaire, but a man can dream. Seriously, whether you agree with his actions or not, you have to admit that he does seem cooler now. I have new respect for the man.

No one seems to bitch when rock stars bang groupies, so why is Le Tigre held to a different standard? Think about it...even douche bag rockers get hot chicks. Want proof? Justin Timberlake, and John Mayer...nuff said. Between the two of these wimpy mega-douches, they have banged every chick in Hollywood that I ever wanted to bang. I fucking hate these guys because every week I read about them defiling yet another one of my fantasy girls, yet I grin and bear it. Why give them a pass and dump on Le Tigre? Because he's married? Granted I don't agree with his lack of respect for the bonds of matrimony, but I don't think that is truly the reason for the underlying outrage from the public. I think everyone is pissed because they were tricked. People expect that behavior from rockers...even the married ones. Le Tigre's actions were a total surprise. Its kinda like the public picked up a hot hooker, but then got her home and found out she had a dick. No one likes those type surprises.

Most guys will agree with me. Most women will disagree, which is funny because given the chance...most women would do Le Tigre. Either because they are attracted to him, or because he is rich and famous. The ladies will not admit this, but its true.

The only victims in this deal are Le Tigre's wife and kids. For their sake the media should let this shit fade. The rest of the folks out there should lighten up and find something else to do besides worry about The Tiger. If put in the same position as those involved, either Le Tigre or one of the numerous women, how would most people conduct themselves? Would the average woman turn down a handsome, rich celebrity if she thought no one would find out? Would the average guy turn down a gaggle of models and porn stars if given the opportunity to do them discreetly? Think before you judge. Regardless of your position on the argument, this train wreck won't go away soon. As much as I hate to admit it, I will be there with my hands covering my eyes, peeking through my fingers, watching it all unfold...cause I just can't help but look.

The Rise of The Silent Majority

I know that pretty much everything I do is comedic, but as some of you may know, I am very big into politics. However, since I do comedy and not politics, I avoid giving my opinion on most things. Too bad other so-called comedians can't do the same. I am talking about the latest in rants from Rosie O'Donnell and Janeane Garafolo, which appeared on a syndicated radio show yesterday. Both of these...women, and I use the term loosely, made scathing comments about various conservatives to include Elizabeth Hasselback and Rush Limbaugh. Many of these comments were personal in nature and in poor taste, which is to be expected from these two. In response to this, I have a few comments of my own.

The fact that either one of these wenches are still considered celebrities is beyond me. I think both Rosie and Jeanane are Anti-American twats who should be set on fire and raped with a broom stick. My hatred for them has nothing to do with their attacks on Rush or Elizabeth...they are celebs and can take care of themselves. Additionally, I think Rush is a little too right wing even for me, plus he's kind of a hypocrite. So my dislike doesn't stem from something of that nature, but rather the fact that they are so narcissistic that they actually believe that the majority of the country would agree with them. These two wing nuts mock average Americans and make fun of people who are religious. Apparently, the Hollywood elite are the only enlightened individuals in America...the rest of us are ignorant. That despite the fact that most of these celebrities barely made it out of high school, and can not function in normal society. They are so far removed from reality that they refuse to accept the fact that there might be other opinions out there worthy of discussion. It is ok to be funny, and occasionally stir up debate in order to generate discussion, but the manner in which these two approach topics is ridiculous.
The ironic part is that these two hate America, but America is the only place they could get away with saying the things they do. They hate the soldiers who fight for their right to spew hate. They celebrate their right to be atheists, but ridicule the rights of others to practice their own religion. It is typical of modern day Hollywood liberals to preach freedom of speech, but not want to give those with dissenting views the same courtesy. In their opinion, you have freedom of speech...as long as you agree with them.
Do I have a solution to the Hollywood problem? Other than shooting them all, about the only thing we can do is to boycott their shows and launch campaigns against them with the networks and studios responsible with putting them on the air. Will that ever happen? It is doubtful since the average American is either too busy or too lazy to put up a fight en mass. This doesn't really bother me, because I know in my heart that when it comes down to it...despite the fact that there is not a huge outcry against these liberals...the average American is against this behavior. I call these Americans the "Silent Majority". This Silent Majority is like me, not completely left or right wing in their thinking, but somewhere in the commonsense middle. The reason you do not hear from us frequently is because we don't have time to go to protests. We are too busy working, raising our children,paying taxes, and generally keeping this country running. However, just because you do not hear from us, doesn't mean we're not out there. Recent elections prove that if we weren't paying attention before...we are now. We are watching and waiting. Politicians and celebrities beware. We might not talk a lot, but we know how to vote...and how to avoid buying your movie tickets. I have a feeling the 2010 elections will prove this. I look forward to the return of a common sense America.I think it is going to happen sooner than these liberals think.
I wish you all the best until my next rant.

FarmVille, Mafia Wars, Stupid FB Stuff.

Since I now have my own blog, I feel obligated to at least post interesting discussions. Today lets talk about all the useless App.'s and crap that keep popping up on FaceBook.

First of all, what the fuck is up with this Farmtown shit? Nothing is more annoying than the endless posts and invites from that stuff. What is the appeal of a make-believe farm? Farming is boring as hell in real life, who the fuck wants to fantasize about it. In real life farming is also back-breaking work. I seriously doubt all the muffin-top having, pasty-faced, shut-ins that play Farmville constantly would last five minutes on a real farm. These reasons make the success of Farmville even more bizarre. Maybe I could understand something like "Whore-Ville" where you build and create your own whorehouse, complete with theme rooms and you can constantly add new prostitutes. Actually, the more I think about it, tha'ts a pretty entertaining idea. Anyway, I digress...Not only do people become absorbed, and if CNN is to be believed, addicted to it, but these same people also find it necessary to bother the rest of us with invites and gifts pertaining to it.

Every time I check FB from my Blackberry I get tons of Horoscopes, Fortune Cookies, Weird cafe shit, and Brick Breaker scores (really? Brick Breaker? Do you really think anyone gives a damn about the fact that you played that boring ass game long enough to get good at it? Hell, I would be ashamed for anyone to know that.) Listen people, I could care less about your Horoscope, unless it says something really crazy. Because, lets face it...you will never read an honest Horoscope. What if one day your horoscope said that your spouse was going to cheat on you while you were at work by having group sex with a bunch of Haitian refugees? Would you ever again want to know what was in store for you? I doubt it.

I suppose that i just don't get it. Its OK for you to enjoy this stuff, but don't expect me to get all moist because of it. Please don't be offended if I Ignore all of your Mafia War requests and all the other stupid stuff, but I have a life and shit to do. Like...umm...well...like blog on a Facebook Discussion Board located on a Groups Page that I shamelessly dedicated to myself. Ok...don't try to figure that one out...just go with it. Thanks.

Welcome...

I would like to welcome you to my blog. It seems like everyone has a blog these days, so I thought I would give it a try. I will be sharing random thoughts from my wandering mind. Discussions will include everything from politics, entertainment, news, and whatever useless stuff I feel like talking about.

I must warn you...99.9% of the content published here is a joke. Remember that before you get too offended at something. You should also know that I am full of shit most of the time. If you have a thick skin and a high tolerance for bullshit, then you should have fun. Let the blogging begin...