Screw Haiti

OK...Let me begin by saying that many of you will hate me for this post. I will be labeled as heartless, cold, insensitive, and probably a puppy-strangling-cock-juggler. Fortunately, I am accustomed to this since most people who know me call me these things anyway. I have tried to not comment on the earthquake and situation in Haiti, and was hoping that since it was becoming old news, I might be able to avoid the conversation all together. However, there was more Haitians whining on the news again this morning, so I said, "What the Hell? " They no longer get a pass from me.

It is tragic when things like the earthquake happen. I will not deny that. I also believe that the world should chip in and help those that are less fortunate. I am not such an asshole that I do not recognize those facts. The thing that pisses me off is that Haiti, and the rest of the world for that matter, just assumes that anytime there is a disaster...anywhere, the United States should handle everything. I'm not sure from where Haiti gets that sense of entitlement. To understand where I'm coming from, let me break it down.

When the disaster initially occurred, Haiti started bitching because the US couldn't get there quick enough. What the fuck? Really? They didn't ask why France, Germany, or any other nations had not sent help, just America. I suppose Haiti, and the whole world, just expects Americans to give up their time and money to help other countries that hate America. You don't think Haiti dislikes America? Do a little homework...and no... it wasn't Bush's fault they hate us. So Haiti got mad that we couldn't show up quick enough to do them a favor? Because, the whole social responsibility thing aside, our assisting them is still a favor. Apparently Haiti thinks that you can move the US military and their support staff within a days time. If they traveled more they would realize it takes a while to get everyone and everything there...especially an entire fucking military with food and clothing for 1 million. But the dumb-assery didn't end there. After these fuckers got aid, then they bitched because there was a disproportionate amount of Christian aid. Sorry, Haiti...believe it or not, Voodoo isn't a big religion around the world. Most of the rest of the world believes that chickens should be eaten, not slaughtered and made into good luck charms. Voodoo actually makes Scientology look like a legitimate religion. Then there was the whole complaint about, and arrest of, aid workers taking kids and trying to find them homes. Seriously, why? No one in Haiti wanted them, and I can assure you that with the exception of Angelina Jolie and Madonna, there is not a huge market in America for people wanting little Haitian kids. They bitch if we don't help them, and they bitch if we do.

What would Robert do? (WWRD?...it could catch on. I could sell bracelets and shit) I would pull out aid and let their ungrateful asses swing in the wind. Lets face it, if Haiti disappeared tomorrow, would anyone really notice? The only thing they have brought to the world is creepy ass Voodoo curses, violent street gangs with bad hair, and a stratospheric number of cases of AIDS. The earthquake got attention, but if Haiti had just silently disappeared one night, I'll bet no one would have noticed for 3 or 4 days. My solution would be to pull out aid and let them go at it. After they finished killing and eating each other we could give them a couple of weeks to mellow out...then carpet bomb the shit out of the survivors. Now I know that sounds extreme, but hang with me and it will all make sense. After you obliterate everything, you bull doze all the trash into the ocean and re-cover it with sand. Then you do a little tasteful landscaping, maybe hide speakers in the landscaping to play some pleasant music, then you are ready for the final phase. That's right...building some really great resorts. Its like urban renewal, but on a national scale. We then charge premium rates for the vacation rentals, which will allow us to recover the money spent on bombs and landscaping. Here's the best part...it becomes a US territory. That's right, I'm an imperialist. I think we should grab more land. After all, we are the only country to ever win wars and not keep the land, which is a poor financial decision, in my opinion. However, that topic is another conversation for another day.

You see, I'm not cold and heartless...just practical. If Haiti needed assistance, and was grateful, then I wouldn't feel this way. No one like an ungrateful bunch of pricks. Its like dying of thirst in the desert, and then bitching when the water you are finally given isn't Evian. The funny thing is that they probably have more food and amenities now than they have ever had. The earthquake was possibly the best thing to happen to some of the citizens in years.

Oh well, enough beating on Haiti...I'm off to strangle some puppies. have a great day!