Not an original blog from me...

  Lately, it has been pretty obvious that I have had a pretty harsh schedule. I have not been able to post daily, and for that I am sorry. I miss being able to give my asshole opinions and write about midgets and other things. I have decided that from time to time, I will post funny articles from other websites. It accomplishes two things: First, it lets you guys see stuff from other great sites that you might ordinarily have missed. Secondly, it allows me to still entertain you despite the rigors of my schedule. Today's blog is one of my favorite articles from the archives of Cracked.com. If you haven't dropped in on Cracked.com, you should. They always have some very funny stuff. I try and hit them up daily. I will return tomorrow with a blog of my own. Thanks and enjoy.

The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time

By Daniel O'Brien Feb 15, 2008 4,645,058 views

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As we all prepare to spend a long weekend enjoying Presidential Savings on mattresses and used Toyotas, we could take time to thank some of the presidents who passed bills that protect some of the freedoms your enjoy daily. Or we could spend the day celebrating the presidents who are decidedly more Action Movie Heroes than diplomats.
Anyway, guess which kind of president this website decided to focus on?

# 5.    Andrew Jackson

 

When the 1828 election rolled around, a lot of people were terrified when they heard Andrew "Old Hickory" Jackson was running. If you're wondering how a guy we're calling a bad ass got such a lame nickname, it's because he used to carry a hickory cane around and beat people senseless with it, and if you're wondering why he did that, it's because he was a fucking lunatic.
Former Democratic Senator and Secretary of the Treasurey Albert Gallatin feared a Jackson presidency because of his "habitual disregard of laws and constitutional provisions." Or in other words, the man was a loose canon--17th Century Washigton's answer to Martin Riggs. Sure, he probably didn't have an irate black lieutenant to answer to, or a weary partner who was too old for this shit, but he most certainly had a death wish.
How do we know? Well, despite everyone's best efforts, Jackson was elected to the top office, and when he wasn't busy shaping the Presidency as we know it today, you could find him out back dueling. In case you haven't been to the 18th century lately, this unmanly sounding activity actually involves standing across from an armed man and shooting at him while he in turn shoots at you. The number of duels that Jackson took part in varies depending on what source you consult; some say 13, while others rank the number somewhere in the 100's, both of which are entirely too many times for a reasonable human being to stand in front of someone who is strying to kill them with a loaded gun.
On one occasion, he challenged a man named Charles Dickinson to a duel, (the reason behind it wasn't important, not to us and certainly not to Jackson), and Jackson was even kind enough to give Dickinson the first shot. We're gonna go ahead and repeat that: In a duel with pistols, Jackson politely volunteers to be shot at first. Dickinson happily obliged and shot Jackson, who proceeded to shake it off like it was a bee sting. When Jackson returned the favor, Dickinson was not so lucky, and that's why his face isn't on the twenty. The bullet, by the by, remained in Jackson's body for 19 years because, we assume, Jackson knew that time spent removing the bullets would just fall under the general category of "time not dueling," Jackson's least favorite category.

Andrew Jackson may have been the first master of Gun Kata

Greatest Display of Badassedry:
Andrew Jackson was the first president on whom an assassination attempt was made. A man named Richard Lawrence approached Jackson with two pistols both of which, for some reason, misfired. With the possibility of an assassination taken off the table, Jackson proceeded to beat Lawrence near death with his cane until Jackson's aides pulled him off the assassin.

The guns were inspected afterwards and it was discovered that they were in perfect working order, leading some historians to believe that it was an odds-defying "miracle" that Jackson survived, while we're pretty sure that the bullets, like everyone else, were simply scared of Jackson.
Most Badass Quote:
"I have only two regrets: I didn't shoot Henry Clay and I didn't hang John C. Calhoun."
That's right. In a life rich with murdering people for little-to-no reason, Jackson's only regret was that he didn't kill quite enough people. People like Calhoun who, it should be noted, was Jackson's vice president.

# 4.     John F Kennedy

 

Nowadays, John F. Kennedy is remembered mostly for getting shot in the head which, while admittedly badass, barely makes the top ten of badass things he's ever done. Plagued with a bad back his entire life, Kennedy was disqualified from service in the army. Instead of using this as an excuse to pursue the decidedly more sane strategy of staying the fuck away from explody things, Kennedy had his dad pull a few strings so he could sneak his way into the navy, where he eventually became a lieutenant. Just to get some perspective, Bill Clinton dodged the draft, Grover Cleveland paid someone else to go in his place when he was drafted, but Kennedy beat the system by forcing his way into the navy. Once there he handled himself like a gravel eating shit-miner, instead of the rich Boston pretty boy he actually was.
Today, he's got his own damned aircraft carrier named after him.

The USS John F Kennedy can launch 80 planes and can single-handedly win a war with most countries on Earth

Upon leaving the Navy, he took up boning on a near full-time basis. Sure, he dabbled in being a Senator and a President or whatever, but his full-time job was Pimping. In fact, if boning-your-girlfriend-right-in-front-of-you was a business, you can bet your cuckolded ass that Kennedy would have been its District Manager.
While almost no two sources are in agreement as to just how much tail Kennedy snagged, historian John Richard Stephens says that "Kennedy confided with friends that he could only be satisfied with three women a day." It's amazing that, with all this boning, Kennedy didn't lose focus and make any colossal screw-ups while in office, and-...What? Bay of what? Moving on.
JFK's sexual conquests allegedly include Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Jayne Mansfield, Angie Dickenson, Brazilian actress Florinda Bolkan, famous burlesque stripper, and rap name pioneer Blaze Starr. There are even rumors that he also had sex with his insanely hot wife once in a while too.

Greatest Display of Badassedry:
In August of 1943, while serving as skipper of the PT-109, Kennedy's boat was ripped in two by the Japanese destroyer Amagiri. Kennedy and his crew were tossed into the water and surrounded by flames. Kennedy, despite a chronic back injury and an even more chronic boning-induced-exhaustion, managed to swim four hours to safety while towing an injured crewman by the life jacket strap with his teeth. His fucking teeth!
Most Badass Quote:
"Jack could be shameless in his sexuality, simply pull girls' dresses up and so forth. He would corner them at White House dinner parties and ask them to step into the next room away from the noise, where they could hold a 'serious discussion.'"
That quote comes from Kennedy's closest friend, Lem Billings. For proof that you will never be as badass and pimpsational as Kennedy, go ahead and try that "Hey baby, let's go have a serious discussion" line on any girl and then come back and tell us how much sex you didn't have.

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# 3.   John Quincy Adams

 

John Quincy Adams is, hands down, one of the most God awful ugly-assed presidents in American history but, well, the Predator was pretty hideous too, and no one will deny that he still kicks a fairly serious amount of ass. Also like the Predator, Adams was known as a shrewd negotiator and a strong advocate of outdoor boning. But we'll get to that a little bit later.
With his father away from home most of the time busying himself with the rebel cause, Adams, at age eight, was the man of the house. As if ensuring the safety and prosperity of an entire house before you even hit puberty isn't daunting enough, Adams had to do it all during a fucking war. He, in fact, often talked about watching the battle of Bunker Hill from his front porch, constantly worried about being, as he wrote in his diary, "butchered in cold blood, or taken and carried...as hostages by any foraging or marauding detachment of British soldiers." Remember when you were eight and you worried about missing Pokemon? Yeah. If you're feeling, perhaps, a little wet right now, it's because the ghost of an eight year old John Quincy Adams is pissing all over you as you read this.
Adams also maintained a strict, Rocky-like regiment of constant exercise that included a swift swim across the Potomac every morning. Even at 58 years old, Adams could reportedly swim the width of the Potomac in an hour. Also, the nudity; Adams famously exercised and swam nude, presumably, in case he ever came across some emergency that needed immediate boning while out exercising.
Greatest Display of Badassedry:
Also, since we're talking about ridiculous things that JQA did that have nothing to do with being president, he kept a pet alligator in the East Wing of the White House. That actually probably came in handy for some of that shrewd negotiating we mentioned earlier.

The character of detective Sonny Crockett
may have been based on John Quincy Adams

As for the outdoor boning? Well ...
Most Badass Quote:
"The art of making love, muffled up in furs, in the open air, with the thermometer at Zero, is a Yankee invention."
It's not too clear, but it sounds like Adams genuinely believed Americans invented having sex outside, a discovery he no-doubt believed he himself pioneered. 
# 2.   George Washington

Plenty of people know George Washington as the father of our country, but few people know, (and this is, perhaps, more important), just how similar he was in behavior to the Incredible Hulk. Stay with us.
As described by Thomas Jefferson, George Washington "was naturally irritable" and when his temper "broke its bonds, he was most tremendous in his wrath." One time, in fact, he became "much inflamed [and] got into one of those passions when he cannot command himself." Witnesses agreed that, after these sudden bursts of rage, Washington generally became calm and amiable again. Sound like anyone you know? Anyone, incredible, perhaps? (It's the Incredible Hulk.) The Iroquois Indians affectionately nicknamed Washington "Caunotaucarius," which translates to either "Town Destroyer" or "Devourer of Villages." We were really hoping it translated to "One Who, (When Angry), You Will Not Like" so we'd have more evidence for this whole Incredible Hulk thing, but "Town Destroyer" is pretty cool too, we guess.

Washington wasn't just a shirt-ripping comic book character waiting to happen, he was also an amazing general and, possibly, totally invincible. Washington was always at the frontlines in any of the many battles he took part in and there are countless stories of Washington returning from battle with bullet holes in his uniform, or without a horse, (it having been shot from under him), but he always remained unharmed. As a general, he believed, (like the always-screaming Leonidas), in the strength of small numbers. Typically both a loner and rebel, Washington preferred a small band of dedicated warriors over large armies any day of the week and he won plenty of battles when the odds were decidedly not in his favor. He once wrote that "Discipline is the soul of an army. It makes small numbers formidable; procures success to the weak, and esteem to all."

Though that isn't quite as catchy as "This is Sparta!" you'll have to agree that it's slightly more eloquent and certainly more recyclable, as it is more applicable to situations that may not explicitly involve Sparta.
Greatest Display of Badassedry:
Making America.
Most Badass Quote:
After another tough battle where Washington was miraculously not wounded, he wrote a letter to his brother detailing his experiences. He described being surrounded by bullets and death and concluded by saying "I heard the bullets whistle and, believe me, there is something charming to the sound of bullets." When he caught news of this, King George III reportedly remarked that Washington's attitude would change if he'd heard a few more. But King George III didn't win the war, so fuck him.

# 1.   Theodore Roosevelt

 

Checking Teddy Roosevelt's resume is like reading a How-To guide on ass-kicking manliness. He was a cattle rancher, a deputy sheriff, an explorer, a police commissioner, the assistant Secretary of the Navy, the governor of New York, and a war hero. Out of all of his jobs, hobbies and passions, Roosevelt always had a special spot in his heart for unadulterated violence. In 1898, Roosevelt formed the first U.S. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment, known as the Rough Riders. Most people already know of the Rough Riders and their historic charge up San Juan Hill, but few know that, since their horses had to be left behind, the Riders made this charge entirely on foot. You just could not stop this man from violencing the hell out of a San Juan Hill.

Teddy Roosevelt, a split second before spitting in the invisible
face of death, and pimp slapping it with his tiny neck-hand.

And don't think that Roosevelt lost his obsession with violence when he became president, or he might just come back from the dead and murder you, (and how do you kill a Teddy Roosevelt that's already dead!?!). He strolled through the White House with a pistol on his person at all times, though, with his black belt in jujitsu and his history as a champion boxer, it wasn't like he really needed it.
It wasn't just his war record or the fact that he knew several different ways to kill you that made Roosevelt such a badass. It wasn't even the fact that he kept a bear and a lion at the White House as pets, (though that certainly helps). Teddy Roosevelt was a badass of the people. Roosevelt received letters from army cavalrymen complaining about having to ride 25 miles a day for training and, in response, Teddy rode horseback for 100 miles, from sunrise to sunset, at 51 years old, effectively rescinding anyone's right to complain about anything, ever again.

The last thing you saw before a brutal ass-kicking

Did we mention he had asthma growing up? He did, and after he beat asthma to death, he ate asthma's raw flesh and ran 100 straight miles off the energy it gave him.
Greatest Display of Badassedry:
While campaigning for a third term, Roosevelt was shot by a madman and, instead of treating the wound, delivered his campaign speech with the bleeding, undressed bullet hole in his chest. On the other end of the spectrum, reasons why certain members of the Cracked Editorial Staff have called out of work over the last year include:
"A cold."
"A stubbed toe."
"It's raining."
"There's a spider near the door."
Most Badass Quote:
This quote actually comes from a fellow politician at the time of Roosevelt's death: "Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight." We have no witty commentary for that. That is just straight up badass.

State of the Union

I know its been awhile since anyone has heard from me. Blame a rough work schedule. This post, however, was postponed for a couple of days because I was too angry to write. I was afraid that if I were to write how I really feel about the way the citizens of this country have been abused by the politicians, I would end up on the FBI watch list, or arrested and interrogated. Since, as you know, we no longer prosecute terrorists because the government is too busy going after Americans. So here is my take on the Health Care Reform Act and all the other ills plaguing America.

Unless you have been living in a cave, you know that the Health Care Reform Act passed. I am disgusted. I never thought I would see the will of the people ignored, and the government run rough shod over its people. Why did we bother having the President take the oath of office stating that he would uphold and defend the constitution? He just wiped his ass on it, then gave high-fives and fist bumps to celebrate. I am amazed at how the liberal left managed to hijack the government. I am even more amazed at how many politicians have committed career suicide for Nancy Pelosi. I suppose these assholes think that the American people will forget by November. Not long ago, I would have agreed, but over the last year I have noticed a subtle change in the American people. People are now paying attention, and they don't like what they see. I only hope that we aren't too late to fix this mess. There are a few politicians that really stand out. In particular, the politicians retiring this year. Their final thank you to the constituents that have re-elected them time and time again was basically, " Hey...thanks for your votes. Since I'm no longer going to be running for office, I'm going to fuck you on the way out." I was under the impression that we have a Representative republic. Where is our representation? At no time in my life have I seen more citizens involved in politics. Despite citizens writing, calling, and protesting, these rats did what they wanted against the will of the people. I am sick of the politicians, and their arrogance. It is almost as if Nancy Pelosi flaunts the fact that the citizenry is helpless in their face. Both she and Obama believe that they are smarter than any other Americans, and that freedom of speech is guaranteed only if you agree with them. There are so many spineless politicians that I want to call out. There are so many things I want to say. I don't have enough time, or enough space here to say all the things I want , so I'll keep it to myself. Do I have a fix for our situation? You bet! It might be a bit extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

It is time we took our country back. if you recall, some time ago I spoke of what I call "The Silent Majority", which consists of all us average, common sense folks who work hard, pay taxes, and keep the country running for all the other leeches. We have to become vocal and active. We need to vote out the old, both Republican and Democrat and bring in people who are statesmen. I know that Washington corrupts, that's why we get term limits, and send these new politicians off with a heavy dose of fear. Not just that we will not re-elect them, but that we will also kick their asses. I am not above intimidation. I think that after the health care vote, the bastards that voted for it against the will of their constituents should have come home to have found their homes burned down. Fuck these out of touch, narcissistic assholes. I don't even think we should wait for the elections, I think we should organize a march on Washington. Imagine millions (and there are millions of citizens just like me that are fed up) of us showing up at Capitol Hill and dragging this bunch of wharf-rats out of their ivory towers and giving them the pink slip. Never underestimate the power of sheer numbers, and the fear they inspire. After we straighten up the crooked politicians, we then need to make a few other adjustments.

There is nothing wrong with there being two sides to an argument, but the media is guilty of too much bias, so we will have to slap them around a bit. We also need to do away with this political correctness crap. There is way too much of the touchy-feely-warm and fuzzy shit. We are the only country I know that is afraid to offend those we are fighting a war against. Muslims are in a holy war with us. They want to kill or convert us all. The Koran tells them that is the only way, and if they are true Muslims that is what they believe. It might not be politically correct to make that statement, but its true. Don't believe me? Ask any Christian who has grown up in the Middle East around the Muslims and see what they say. Don't take Bono or Sean Penn's word for it. We need to do what Gen. George S. Patton advised, " Hold the enemy by the nose...and kick them in the ass." Our enemy doesn't respect us because we are soft, they only respect power. The only way to negotiate with those fuckers is at the tip of a sword. Its not politically-correct, but its true. If you still doubt what I'm saying, I will buy you a plane ticket to any Middle Eastern country you choose, and you can try to be a goodwill ambassador. Not only will your experience prove my point, but we will also be rid of your ass, cause you will never make it back.

Sometimes things are what they are and we have to accept it. If your kid is fat and failing in school, its not society's fault...its your fault. Taking care of and raising your child isn't the responsibility of the government or society...its yours.We do not need to spend tax payer money on a study that blames fast food corporations for placing restaurants in low income areas, which in turn is causing an increase of obesity in underprivileged children (this study was just conducted by the City University of New York).McDonald's didn't make your kid fat, you did. I have kids and I monitor the things they eat so I can help them be healthy. I'm a parent...that's my job.I don't need Michelle Obama to tell me that. Passing laws to forbid fast food corporations from adding locations in low income areas is stupid. Do you really think a Whole Foods Store would be a hit in Compton or Harlem? If I were a minority, living in a low income area, I would be offended that the government thinks it has to pass laws regulating where I eat, because I'm not smart enough to make decisions for myself. Once again...not politically-correct to say, but true.

We will also have to bring back the concept of personal responsibility...and while we're at it we will also throw a little work ethic in there. You see, you are not entitled to anything. The world owes you nothing. If you want something, work for it. If you are too lazy to work, well that's your business, but don't expect me to provide you with food and free health care. You are no better than me to work. What? you say you can't get a good paying job because of education? No problem, just do what me and my friends did...join the military for a GI Bill or work two jobs while going to school. Yes, I understand the job market is bad right now, but it wasn't always this way, so what was your excuse before? You see most of the leeches on the ass of society are long on excuses, but short on solutions. Finding a solution to their problems would not only be constituted as work, but it would also no longer give them an argument for being useless. What? You grew up in a poor neighborhood with an alcoholic, abusive father and few opportunities and that is why you are an alcoholic with a criminal record who can't get a job? Fuck you! That is no excuse. So did I, and I'm not still there wallowing in self pity, making excuses. You see, I'm the one guy that that shit doesn't work on. I've been there, and because I know that you can achieve anything you put your mind to, I have a particular hatred for this type trash. Get over yourself and make an attempt to do the right thing. Even if you fail, you can at least have some pride and dignity.

Ok, so who have I not offended yet? Oh yeah...fuck celebrities, also. I have stated my dislike for celebrities here many times. They, like our current batch of politicians, think they are smarter than the average American. Which is interesting considering many of them are functionally retarded and have completely forgotten that before becoming famous, they held menial jobs and weren't very successful in other pursuits. Most of them have no body of experience in the real world, but believe that because they are on TV, or the movies they somehow became more enlightened than the rest of us.They believe anyone with traditional values is an idiot and mock people for those views. They mindlessly follow the liberal path because they are out of touch with the average person. I think that anytime one of these celebrities starts an anti-American rant, we should be allowed to set their hair on fire and impale them in front of the Hollywood sign.

You know, I could rant for days, but it won't do any good. In all seriousness, we are confronted here in our own country with a war of ideology. The majority of Americans have morals, values, and common sense. We are by our very nature a hard working bunch. We are also sympathetic and understanding of others. These traits have been exploited by others in an attempt to hijack our way of life. We must no longer be quiet, but instead take an active role in the direction of our country. If we fail, the liberties and opportunities we have enjoyed will not be available to our children and grand-children. Most of you, like me, are very busy. We are constantly taking kids to ball practice, or music lessons. We work a lot. We have to face the fact that we can no longer trust the politicians and those in power to run our country for us. As we have seen recently, they no longer represent our interests. We must budget time to take a role in the governance of our country. It is no different than the time we allot to attend Parent Teacher Organization meetings. It is necessary. We must stand guard over our freedoms and our government. We must make our representatives accountable. We must again grab the reins and steer this country ourselves. We must all become statesmen, and women. Personally, I have discovered that there is no Tea Party branch in my county. I have taken the initial steps to start one. What can I alone accomplish? Probably not a lot, but I plan on at least trying to do my part. Hopefully, if enough people join me, we can make a difference in our area. Please, get involved, and do what you can. We must leave this world, and this country, better than we found it.

Busy...Busy...Busy!

I am sorry for the lack of posts recently. Long hours at work are responsible, but I promise to do better. i have tons of things to comment on, if I could just get the time to write. New stuff is coming soon.

The Absolutely, Least Appropriate, Worst Idea for a Stripper to Invite to a Bachelor Party…Ever…No Kidding.

 

  At this point it should be obvious that I have an unusual sense of humor. I am offensive and inappropriate, and I accept that. However, sometimes I surprise even myself with the depth of depravity of which I am capable. This is one such story. Anyone who wasn’t at the event chronicled here, will find this story hilarious…those who were there still don’t have a sense of humor in regards to the event. Some still refuse to speak to me, even though this occurred 12 years ago. I can’t wait to hear reader feedback on this one.

  The events in this story occurred as part of a bachelor party. I was Best Man, and being such, was in charge of throwing the party together. We had rented a suite at one of Nashville’s finest hotels already, but I still had to book entertainment. I had left several messages with various strippers around town, and was shopping for various items for the party while I waited to hear from them. One such item I was out to get was a big-ass dildo. No bachelor party is complete without a big-ass dildo. Now, I don’t mean just any big-ass dildo, I’m talking about a two foot long, five pound dildo named The Dark Assassin. This big, black dildo was to be attached to the hood of the groom’s truck using the integrated suction cup located on the rear of the device (who comes up with this shit?). Upon arriving at the local sex store, I was shocked to find that the store was a pervert’s paradise, with lots of private (?) jack-off booths, a theater, and live peep shows. While shopping for the big-ass dildo, I was approached by one of the hottest blondes I had ever seen. She tried to convince me to rent time to watch her in the live peepshow booth. I advised her that although she was lovely, I was in a hurry and was just there for the dildo. Upon hearing this, she advised that was more reason for me to see her show, as we were kindred spirits. I was momentarily confused until she advised me that she was the She-Male attraction. I quickly explained that the dildo was for a gag, not for my use, as it was impossible for anyone to use a dildo that large without gutting themselves and dying. The She-Male ( who will be referred to as She-It for the remainder of this text), advised that She-It had many friends who used that size dildo, and then apologized for approaching me, as I was straight. I then became curious, as to how truly feminine She-It was, and asked how She-It had achieved the feat. She-It was proud to state that her boobs were real 36 C’s, which had been accomplished through years of hormones, and that she had had her adams apple shaved through a surgical procedure. As for the feminine hands and feet…She-It advised that it was just genetic luck. Once I recovered from the fact that one of the hottest chicks I had ever seen, was in fact a dude, a plan began to take shape in the back of my mind. The plan was sick, twisted, tasteless, and all around hilarious. I explained to She-It about the bachelor party, and my idea for the practical joke. She-It advised that if I could protect her from harm, and provide additional Danger-Pay, she-it would do the party. We finalized the plan, and I was off.

  Now understand that this was not the first time I had played a stripper joke on friends. I remember a previous event in which I was charged with providing a stripper, and on that occasion I hired an eight month pregnant stripper. That had been funny as hell, but nothing was going to compare with what I had in store. The most difficult part was in not being able to tell anyone about the trick. In retrospect, I should have bounced the idea off someone else, as I had no idea how negative the reaction was going to be.

  The night of the Bachelor Party came, and we all started out at our favorite bar. We then moved to the hotel, where the stripper was to perform for us before we continued the night of bar-hopping. There were around 20 guys present, all excited to see the night’s entertainment. The groom was hand cuffed and leg-shackled to a sturdy chair, with dollar bills protruding from every article of clothing. As per the stripper’s instructions, all the other men were seated to the front of the Groom. The music began and the stripper entered. She-It was so attractive that I momentarily forgot it was a dude…sort of. It then occurred to me that if I was this conflicted about this event, the other guys might not be very happy. I knew the Groom was going to be pissed when it was over, but up until this point I had not considered the twenty or so other guys…and they weren’t chained up. I began to re-think the joke, but of course, it was far too late to turn back. I had to hope they had a sense of humor. (SPOILER ALERT: They didn’t.) It was apparent that the stripper was so convincing that no one had a clue that She-It wasn’t what she seemed. The guests were tipping heavily, grabbing boobs and ass, all the while propositioning She-It. This continued for three songs and finally, the stripper was down to only a G-String. The men began to chant, “Take It Off…Take It Off!” She-It faced the Groom with her back to the crowd and slowly began to pull down the G-String. I moved closer to the door and grabbed the strippers robe and belongings, preparing for the hasty exit we had planned. When the G-String came off, no one except for the Groom could see what was happening. All the men present were talking about what a great ass the stripper had, as the Groom’s eyes switched from a look of wonder and anticipation, to a look of revulsion and confusion. With a flip of her hair, the stripper then turned to the crowd. All present were presented with a big ass schlong, that I still cannot believe could have been hidden so well. All noise stopped immediately and the look on their face was one of total shock. It looked as if they had just watched someone come in the room and strangle a puppy in front of them. The Groom, who had seen it first, and had already had time to recover from the initial shock, began jerking around and attempting to free himself. He was cursing me so loudly and violently that I’m pretty sure he created some new words that night. I opened the door and the stripper made a hasty exit, along with a couple hundred bucks in tips from the shocked-out crowd. I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t breathe or see. That did not work to my favor, as the entire room proceeded to try and kick my ass. Apparently, I had given them too much credit in regards to a sense of humor. As far as this incident was concerned, they had no sense of humor. Once free, the Groom tried to hit me with a chair, and I was made to leave the party.

  A month or so later, the Groom called and advised that he no longer wanted to kill me, but would never forgive me for the incident. He advised that on a funny note, when the pictures had been developed, one photo in particular stood out. The photo was taken just as the stripper had turned to face the audience, and in it the strippers Johnson was caught in mid-air by the camera. The Johnson lined up perfectly with the open mouth of one of our buddies in the background, so that it appeared as if he was preparing to choke it down. The Groom advised that he had already gotten lots of mileage from that pic, and that the other guy was now hating me even more. All in all, I suppose things worked out. I lost a few friends, but gained a great story. I suppose some people just don’t have a sense of humor.

More Hating on Lady Gaga

Last night I had the misfortune of my television being tuned in to the E! Network while I was working around the house. E! News came on and announced the world premiere of the new Lady Gaga video, because apparently, this is big earth shattering news or something. Anyway, I actually decided to view this monstrosity for two reasons: (1) I was busy ironing and didn't want to stop to look for a remote, and (2) As I have said before, I can't help but enjoy train wrecks. So, I watched in morbid fascination.

  A few observations. Lady Gaga is an ugly, no-talent bitch. I think watching the video lowered my IQ by about 30 points. I'm not sure why, but I find her extremely unattractive. She has an OK body, but I can't stand to look at her...even scantily  dressed. That's how you know shit is messed up, when yours truly dislikes something so much, that not even nearly naked women can convince me to watch something. The video also had Beyonce, lesbo action, and Tarantino movie references...and I still couldn't fucking stand it. Let's be clear: Beyonce is one of the hottest women around, I love lesbian loving, and I have been a Tarantino fan before anyone heard of him...and Lady Gaga made me hate them by association.

  This no-talent hack must be stopped. Who buys her albums or listens to this shit? Her music sounds like some old left over music that was found in an Eastern European disco circa 1985. She can't sing without Auto-Tune, and she is butt-fucking ugly to boot. Oh yeah, and she dresses like a bag lady from outer space. What ever happened to talent? What is wrong with performers with style, class, and talent? There is no point to this post. There is no in-depth writing to be done on this topic. There is really no way to end this post. I just really, really, really, really, fucking hate Lady Gaga and everything associated with her. I hate music today because of no-talent mother fuckers like her. I hate that I have had to stop listening to the radio because all the new artists piss me off. And all I have to say in closing is: Fuck Miley Cyrus, too! Just wanted to throw that in there cause I'm tired of seeing her everywhere, also. Thanks. I feel better now.

The Night of the Midget

After the clown article I received a lot of email. Note the comment section remained blank, because no one wanted to be even remotely associated with the article. No one admitted to reading it, but I did receive email. Most of the email made mention of the fact that something was wrong with me. Some recommended psychiatrists by name. Many people were freaked out, but all were entertained. Those who know me have just come to expect unusual things and just sort of overlook the oddities. Despite what you might think about me, even I have my limits. This article is about an incident that disturbed me and pushed me to that limit.

The incident in question is now known infamously as, “The Night of the Midget”, or “The Bridget Incident”. My Facebook friends might recall periodic references to midgets posted on my wall by some of my friends. Those references are all because of this night.

A little background is necessary to understand how this night came into being. It all started with my frequent kidding around involving having sex with a midget. I had no particular interest in banging a midget, but the idea was so funny that it became a running joke that lasted for years. Once, I was in a bar with a buddy when a group of girls, including a midget chick, came in. They sat at the other end of the bar, and I began telling my buddy how I was going to hook up with her. He became so uncomfortable he started ordering doubles. Shortly thereafter, as he was returning from the bathroom, I noticed the bartender serving her a fresh drink. I told my buddy that I had sent her a drink and was about to make my move. He tried to walk out, and I had to convince him that I was kidding to keep him in the bar. Basically, midgets freak people out. The thought of sexing one down is beyond what most people can bear. My father in law is so scared of midgets that when he found out a midget started cutting hair at the local barbershop, he quit going out of fear of being touched by “creepy little midget fingers”. So, my jokes about fucking midgets were the perfect way to make people uncomfortable. However, the downside to joking about doing the deal with a midget for years is that it also made me de-sensitized to the “creepy factor” of boning a midget. As much as I was loathe to admit it, a part of me actually entertained the thought of getting down with a wee-midget girl. Maybe a pair of female, bi-sexual, midget wrestlers dressed like clowns would be the best sex ever. Ok…not really…I just threw that in to creep out anyone who wasn’t already sufficiently uncomfortable.

One day, around my birthday, a group of my friends produced a newspaper clipping of an advertisement stating that the famous (?) midget porn actress, Bridget the Midget, was going to be performing at a local strip club. They all advised that they were taking me as a birthday gift. I was excited, as I saw the potential for future jokes, and the trip was planned. On the night of the performance, about 18 of us rolled up in the strip club. We were a strange looking group, as there were many couples among us. We took our reserved seats right by the stage and waited eagerly. Now, let me say this, I had joked about banging a midget for so long that I had actually considered doing it. I mean, it sounded like a cool thing if the midget chick was cute, and besides…how bad could it be, right? Any thought of actually doing something like that totally went out of my mind once she appeared on stage and started dancing. The proportions of her body made it impossible for her to dance with rhythm. The dance she performed looked identical to the dance done by the gopher in Caddyshack. She wore a cheap pair of children’s dress up high heels with rainbow leg warmers…leg warmers? Seriously, what the fuck? As she began to gyrate around the stage, my bravado faded, and suddenly I felt ashamed and uncomfortable as hell. But what really ratcheted up the creepy, perversion factor were my fellow patrons. I had a group of bikers beside us that couldn’t get enough and kept yelling compliments, and stating how turned on they were. At this moment, I realized that these dudes would probably fuck little kids if given the opportunity. No one gets that turned on by a midget otherwise. Perhaps they had not yet realized they were potential pedophiles, but the day was coming. Anyway, back to our crowd…all of us were standing around, mouths agape, hating ourselves for being there. All of us, that is, except for our buddy’s wife who was making out with a stripper on a nearby table. None of us realized that she had those tendencies prior to walking in the club, but she definitely earned cool points in my book. No one likes to watch two girls make out more than me. Unfortunately, I was too disturbed by the midget show to get excited.

Just when I thought that there was no way for me to be more uncomfortable, one of the nearby bikers asked her why she had danced that long and not taken off her G
-String? To which she laughed and replied, “I wish I could, baby. But I’m on the rag;” She punctuated this by pulling the crotch of her G-String aside and flashing a tampon string. This occurred at the same time that the music paused, and her comment carried throughout the club. My friends and I looked at one another in complete horror and disgust. We all simultaneously headed for the exit, as if on cue.

I consider this incident a defining moment in my life, for through this I learned to be careful what I joked about. To this day I have never again made a midget-fucking joke. Never will. Those images are forever burned in my psyche. My innocence is lost. The world is a darker place because of the knowledge I possess. If you think it sounds creepy, you should have been there. As I’ve said before: I have been around the world a time and a half, I’ve been to three county fairs and a goat fucking…I’ve seen it all, and damn near done it all, and this was one of the most unsettling situations I have ever been involved in…including that Donkey Show in Central America (that’s another story for another day). In closing, if you ever are offered the chance to participate in similar experiences…RUN!

Another Year Older...

I turned another year older today. Today, like every year on my birthday, I reflected upon my life. I like to see if I am making progress year after year. Trust me, its important to check these things, because I've had some years in which I have lost ground. As I have said many times before, 99.9% of everything you will read here is comedy and bullshit. This article is in the .1%, as I will actually be serious...well, as serious as I get, anyway. So, lets look at what I came up with.

I looked in the mirror this morning, and saw a few more wrinkles, but not as many as other men my age. I noticed that I still have no gray hair(a miracle), but that my forehead did get a little bigger. The downside to having your forehead grow, is that it makes it look like you have lost some hair. I am happy that I got the weight off, and have kept it off. Physically, I feel as good as ever. I'm not the perfect specimen of a man, but I am content in knowing that I could be in worse shape. I still ride the mountain bike a few times a week when the weather permits, and will be doing a 12 hour cross country endurance ride in May.I might actually feel better than when I was in my twenties, but that's not saying much since I spent the majority of my twenties drunk and in bars. The thing I noticed most was my eyes. I don't mean the wrinkles around them, but rather the look in my eyes. Over the years, I have seen a lot, both good and bad. The eyes, it is said, are the window to the soul. I look in my own eyes and see the eyes of someone who has known both joy and tragedy. They reflect both my accomplishments and the mistakes of my past, while shining with hope and fear for the future. I look at my hands and find scars and joints that were broken and left to heal improperly. Most of those remind me of my years as a soldier and cop...of countless battles, street fights and training exercises. I see the burn scar on the back of my hand that I received as a soldier, it was caused by having a hot gun barrel placed on my hand as a reminder not to drop my weapon. I never dropped my weapon again, neither in training or in combat.One whole finger is without feeling due to permanent nerve damage sustained when I managed to temporarily remove the finger while building my house. I got to keep the finger, but not the feeling. That is my souvenir to remind me that I built the home for my children with my own hands. I am proud of that. I see all the other scars, each with its own story.Its strange that the same hands used to make war and cause death, have also been used to save lives and cradle my sons when they came into the world. I like to think I have used my hands more for life than death. I scan the rest of my body for scars and tattoos. Each one is a memento that reminds me of an event. It is winter, so I feel all the previously broken bones. But they actually hurt less each year. All in all, i would say I'm pretty lucky in the physical sense.

I then reflect on my life and accomplishments. I am not rich, but I'm also not as poor as I once was. I am happy that my children do not know what it feels like to be ashamed of where they live, and that they have never went to bed hungry. I am also glad that I can dress them nicely and give them a good home. I am grateful for my understanding wife, loving family, and loyal friends. I am grateful to have a good job and a good boss at a time when so many people are out of work. I have had an unusual life and many experiences. Those experiences, both good and bad, have forged my personality. I have known the thrill of success and the bitter sorrow of failure. I have seen times with much money, and I have been completely destitute. The most important thing is that I have learned from all the experiences and they have made me the person I am today. I will never take anything in this life for granted regardless of how successful I become, nor will I give up when I am at my lowest. Because I believe that as long as you are alive, you have a chance at greatness. That is the lesson learned from failure. My opportunity to become great is not over until they put me in the grave. Being successful has no age limit, and you can reach your goals at any age. I see areas in which I need to improve my life, but overall, I like who I am. I am pleased that I have begun to come into my own. I am no longer the shy, frightened child, the angry and reckless teen, or the young man full of self-doubt trying to find his way. I am a man, and I know what I stand for...and I like what I have become.

This year, I have improved. I will take the lessons learned in the past and use them to teach and guide my children, as well as to continue improving upon myself. I will leave them a legacy, perhaps not of money, but a legacy consisting of a greater wealth. The wealth of character. I have told my sons that I do not care if they become wealthy or successful,so long as they grow up to be good men. If they manage that, then I have done my job, and I will be proud of them. I am a fortunate and happy man. I survived another year and I continue to learn and improve. I hope that I have another good year.