The Night of the Midget

After the clown article I received a lot of email. Note the comment section remained blank, because no one wanted to be even remotely associated with the article. No one admitted to reading it, but I did receive email. Most of the email made mention of the fact that something was wrong with me. Some recommended psychiatrists by name. Many people were freaked out, but all were entertained. Those who know me have just come to expect unusual things and just sort of overlook the oddities. Despite what you might think about me, even I have my limits. This article is about an incident that disturbed me and pushed me to that limit.

The incident in question is now known infamously as, “The Night of the Midget”, or “The Bridget Incident”. My Facebook friends might recall periodic references to midgets posted on my wall by some of my friends. Those references are all because of this night.

A little background is necessary to understand how this night came into being. It all started with my frequent kidding around involving having sex with a midget. I had no particular interest in banging a midget, but the idea was so funny that it became a running joke that lasted for years. Once, I was in a bar with a buddy when a group of girls, including a midget chick, came in. They sat at the other end of the bar, and I began telling my buddy how I was going to hook up with her. He became so uncomfortable he started ordering doubles. Shortly thereafter, as he was returning from the bathroom, I noticed the bartender serving her a fresh drink. I told my buddy that I had sent her a drink and was about to make my move. He tried to walk out, and I had to convince him that I was kidding to keep him in the bar. Basically, midgets freak people out. The thought of sexing one down is beyond what most people can bear. My father in law is so scared of midgets that when he found out a midget started cutting hair at the local barbershop, he quit going out of fear of being touched by “creepy little midget fingers”. So, my jokes about fucking midgets were the perfect way to make people uncomfortable. However, the downside to joking about doing the deal with a midget for years is that it also made me de-sensitized to the “creepy factor” of boning a midget. As much as I was loathe to admit it, a part of me actually entertained the thought of getting down with a wee-midget girl. Maybe a pair of female, bi-sexual, midget wrestlers dressed like clowns would be the best sex ever. Ok…not really…I just threw that in to creep out anyone who wasn’t already sufficiently uncomfortable.

One day, around my birthday, a group of my friends produced a newspaper clipping of an advertisement stating that the famous (?) midget porn actress, Bridget the Midget, was going to be performing at a local strip club. They all advised that they were taking me as a birthday gift. I was excited, as I saw the potential for future jokes, and the trip was planned. On the night of the performance, about 18 of us rolled up in the strip club. We were a strange looking group, as there were many couples among us. We took our reserved seats right by the stage and waited eagerly. Now, let me say this, I had joked about banging a midget for so long that I had actually considered doing it. I mean, it sounded like a cool thing if the midget chick was cute, and besides…how bad could it be, right? Any thought of actually doing something like that totally went out of my mind once she appeared on stage and started dancing. The proportions of her body made it impossible for her to dance with rhythm. The dance she performed looked identical to the dance done by the gopher in Caddyshack. She wore a cheap pair of children’s dress up high heels with rainbow leg warmers…leg warmers? Seriously, what the fuck? As she began to gyrate around the stage, my bravado faded, and suddenly I felt ashamed and uncomfortable as hell. But what really ratcheted up the creepy, perversion factor were my fellow patrons. I had a group of bikers beside us that couldn’t get enough and kept yelling compliments, and stating how turned on they were. At this moment, I realized that these dudes would probably fuck little kids if given the opportunity. No one gets that turned on by a midget otherwise. Perhaps they had not yet realized they were potential pedophiles, but the day was coming. Anyway, back to our crowd…all of us were standing around, mouths agape, hating ourselves for being there. All of us, that is, except for our buddy’s wife who was making out with a stripper on a nearby table. None of us realized that she had those tendencies prior to walking in the club, but she definitely earned cool points in my book. No one likes to watch two girls make out more than me. Unfortunately, I was too disturbed by the midget show to get excited.

Just when I thought that there was no way for me to be more uncomfortable, one of the nearby bikers asked her why she had danced that long and not taken off her G
-String? To which she laughed and replied, “I wish I could, baby. But I’m on the rag;” She punctuated this by pulling the crotch of her G-String aside and flashing a tampon string. This occurred at the same time that the music paused, and her comment carried throughout the club. My friends and I looked at one another in complete horror and disgust. We all simultaneously headed for the exit, as if on cue.

I consider this incident a defining moment in my life, for through this I learned to be careful what I joked about. To this day I have never again made a midget-fucking joke. Never will. Those images are forever burned in my psyche. My innocence is lost. The world is a darker place because of the knowledge I possess. If you think it sounds creepy, you should have been there. As I’ve said before: I have been around the world a time and a half, I’ve been to three county fairs and a goat fucking…I’ve seen it all, and damn near done it all, and this was one of the most unsettling situations I have ever been involved in…including that Donkey Show in Central America (that’s another story for another day). In closing, if you ever are offered the chance to participate in similar experiences…RUN!