The Absolutely, Least Appropriate, Worst Idea for a Stripper to Invite to a Bachelor Party…Ever…No Kidding.

 

  At this point it should be obvious that I have an unusual sense of humor. I am offensive and inappropriate, and I accept that. However, sometimes I surprise even myself with the depth of depravity of which I am capable. This is one such story. Anyone who wasn’t at the event chronicled here, will find this story hilarious…those who were there still don’t have a sense of humor in regards to the event. Some still refuse to speak to me, even though this occurred 12 years ago. I can’t wait to hear reader feedback on this one.

  The events in this story occurred as part of a bachelor party. I was Best Man, and being such, was in charge of throwing the party together. We had rented a suite at one of Nashville’s finest hotels already, but I still had to book entertainment. I had left several messages with various strippers around town, and was shopping for various items for the party while I waited to hear from them. One such item I was out to get was a big-ass dildo. No bachelor party is complete without a big-ass dildo. Now, I don’t mean just any big-ass dildo, I’m talking about a two foot long, five pound dildo named The Dark Assassin. This big, black dildo was to be attached to the hood of the groom’s truck using the integrated suction cup located on the rear of the device (who comes up with this shit?). Upon arriving at the local sex store, I was shocked to find that the store was a pervert’s paradise, with lots of private (?) jack-off booths, a theater, and live peep shows. While shopping for the big-ass dildo, I was approached by one of the hottest blondes I had ever seen. She tried to convince me to rent time to watch her in the live peepshow booth. I advised her that although she was lovely, I was in a hurry and was just there for the dildo. Upon hearing this, she advised that was more reason for me to see her show, as we were kindred spirits. I was momentarily confused until she advised me that she was the She-Male attraction. I quickly explained that the dildo was for a gag, not for my use, as it was impossible for anyone to use a dildo that large without gutting themselves and dying. The She-Male ( who will be referred to as She-It for the remainder of this text), advised that She-It had many friends who used that size dildo, and then apologized for approaching me, as I was straight. I then became curious, as to how truly feminine She-It was, and asked how She-It had achieved the feat. She-It was proud to state that her boobs were real 36 C’s, which had been accomplished through years of hormones, and that she had had her adams apple shaved through a surgical procedure. As for the feminine hands and feet…She-It advised that it was just genetic luck. Once I recovered from the fact that one of the hottest chicks I had ever seen, was in fact a dude, a plan began to take shape in the back of my mind. The plan was sick, twisted, tasteless, and all around hilarious. I explained to She-It about the bachelor party, and my idea for the practical joke. She-It advised that if I could protect her from harm, and provide additional Danger-Pay, she-it would do the party. We finalized the plan, and I was off.

  Now understand that this was not the first time I had played a stripper joke on friends. I remember a previous event in which I was charged with providing a stripper, and on that occasion I hired an eight month pregnant stripper. That had been funny as hell, but nothing was going to compare with what I had in store. The most difficult part was in not being able to tell anyone about the trick. In retrospect, I should have bounced the idea off someone else, as I had no idea how negative the reaction was going to be.

  The night of the Bachelor Party came, and we all started out at our favorite bar. We then moved to the hotel, where the stripper was to perform for us before we continued the night of bar-hopping. There were around 20 guys present, all excited to see the night’s entertainment. The groom was hand cuffed and leg-shackled to a sturdy chair, with dollar bills protruding from every article of clothing. As per the stripper’s instructions, all the other men were seated to the front of the Groom. The music began and the stripper entered. She-It was so attractive that I momentarily forgot it was a dude…sort of. It then occurred to me that if I was this conflicted about this event, the other guys might not be very happy. I knew the Groom was going to be pissed when it was over, but up until this point I had not considered the twenty or so other guys…and they weren’t chained up. I began to re-think the joke, but of course, it was far too late to turn back. I had to hope they had a sense of humor. (SPOILER ALERT: They didn’t.) It was apparent that the stripper was so convincing that no one had a clue that She-It wasn’t what she seemed. The guests were tipping heavily, grabbing boobs and ass, all the while propositioning She-It. This continued for three songs and finally, the stripper was down to only a G-String. The men began to chant, “Take It Off…Take It Off!” She-It faced the Groom with her back to the crowd and slowly began to pull down the G-String. I moved closer to the door and grabbed the strippers robe and belongings, preparing for the hasty exit we had planned. When the G-String came off, no one except for the Groom could see what was happening. All the men present were talking about what a great ass the stripper had, as the Groom’s eyes switched from a look of wonder and anticipation, to a look of revulsion and confusion. With a flip of her hair, the stripper then turned to the crowd. All present were presented with a big ass schlong, that I still cannot believe could have been hidden so well. All noise stopped immediately and the look on their face was one of total shock. It looked as if they had just watched someone come in the room and strangle a puppy in front of them. The Groom, who had seen it first, and had already had time to recover from the initial shock, began jerking around and attempting to free himself. He was cursing me so loudly and violently that I’m pretty sure he created some new words that night. I opened the door and the stripper made a hasty exit, along with a couple hundred bucks in tips from the shocked-out crowd. I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t breathe or see. That did not work to my favor, as the entire room proceeded to try and kick my ass. Apparently, I had given them too much credit in regards to a sense of humor. As far as this incident was concerned, they had no sense of humor. Once free, the Groom tried to hit me with a chair, and I was made to leave the party.

  A month or so later, the Groom called and advised that he no longer wanted to kill me, but would never forgive me for the incident. He advised that on a funny note, when the pictures had been developed, one photo in particular stood out. The photo was taken just as the stripper had turned to face the audience, and in it the strippers Johnson was caught in mid-air by the camera. The Johnson lined up perfectly with the open mouth of one of our buddies in the background, so that it appeared as if he was preparing to choke it down. The Groom advised that he had already gotten lots of mileage from that pic, and that the other guy was now hating me even more. All in all, I suppose things worked out. I lost a few friends, but gained a great story. I suppose some people just don’t have a sense of humor.